Watch Insight’s episode Only Children, exploring why ‘one and done’ parenting is on the rise and if the pros outweigh the cons, on .
Their daughter was just one day old when the ‘only child’ judgement started for Dora and Ricardo Vaz De Carvalho.
The couple are both only children themselves and a nurse at the hospital where Dora delivered baby Isabella couldn’t believe two only children were having just one.
“People would say things like ‘oh you’ll change your mind one day’ or make comments about the child being lonely and unable to master skills like sharing,” Ricardo told Insight.
Ricardo and Dora aren’t surprised that stereotypes still exist around being an only child.
But the couple says the questions and assumptions strangers have about only children annoy and frustrate them.
“Dora and I get a bit tired about the comments. People constantly say: ‘When are you having your second child?’ And it’s hard because the reality is — we’re not financially in a situation to have another,” Ricardo said.
Dora and Ricardo with Isabella. There’s been a rise in so-called ‘triangle families’ in Australia. Source: Supplied
The rise of ‘one and done’ families
The number of single-child families in Australia has doubled in the past forty years.
Of the 7.5 million families, more than a million are so-called ‘triangle families’.
Cost of living is one driver, as is the fact that couples are having children later, and men and women are increasingly struggling with fertility issues.
Dr Rosina McAlpine says uncertainty and worry about the impact that having multiple children will have on the environment, are also some reasons why people are choosing to have one child. Source: Supplied
According to parenting expert Dr Rosina McAlpine, Australian couples are also feeling more empowered to choose the lifestyle, career, and family size they want.
“There’s also a group of people that are very concerned about the environment and about uncertainty, about the future, and don’t want to bring more children into the world,” McAlpine said.
Data shows that single child families have seen a significant increase since 1986. Source: SBS
A global trend
Australia isn’t the only country where more parents are choosing to have one child.
In the EU, ‘triangle families’ are the most common household configuration and make up 49 per cent of households with children.
Global data trends also show that more families are choosing to have one child. In the UK, families with one child made up 44 per cent (3.6 million) in 2022 compared to 40 per cent in 2017 and in Canada, single-child families have gone up from 37 per cent in 2001 to 45 per cent in 2021.
Zixun and her mother. Zixun says she watched her mother struggle to provide for her growing up. Source: Supplied
China’s One Child Generation
Zixun Wang was born in China in 1993, when its government restricted the majority of couples from having more than one child in an effort to control the country’s population.
Zixun was born with tumours on her spine and arm and the government offered her parents an exemption to have another child.
“But I didn’t want my parents to have a sibling for me, the idea of having another kid in the house made me feel intimidated and I was worried that all the love and attention that I got from my parents would be taken away,” Zixun told Insight.
“All the kids in my generation, all my friends in China, grew up as a single child. It was common. If my parents had another child that would have made me feel unusual. I wasn’t lonely because I had my gang of only-child friends.”
Kimberley O’Brien says that there are developmental factors, such as mental stimulation from adult conversation, that the only child can benefit from. Source: Supplied
Independence vs loneliness
Educational and developmental psychologist Kimberley O’Brien says single children spend a lot of time in the company of their parents, which can have both pros and cons.
“In my experience, I find that single children are often resourced and often articulate due to the amount of stimulation from adult conversations,” O’Brien said.
However, she says they can often struggle with loneliness.
“I often encourage parents to arrange playdates for their single children, after school and on weekends,” she said.
“Only children can play well independently, but they tend to rope their parents into the game when there are no kids around to join in.”
It takes a village … that we don’t have
Aside from financial pressures, having children later in life and fertility issues, parenting expert Dr Rosina McAlpine says the rise in ‘triangle families’ can also be attributed to social factors such as the lack of support for working parents.
“It takes a village to raise a child right? Well we don’t have that now,” McAlpine said.
“Many times if people have emigrated or moved away from family, what about if grandparents are now working longer?
“So there isn’t the help that you might need to have multiple children.”
Unrealistic expectations
Zixung Wang has been married to her Australian husband for five years and says they won’t be having a family.
She says that being an only child in her family meant that she felt as though she carried an enormous amount of responsibility and expectation to be a highly successful individual.
“I was the only child in my family — I was expected to be the perfect child,” she said.
“It wasn’t enjoyable for me to be a child and I could see how hard it was for my mum to raise me.
“She was sacrificing a lot, and she spent a lot of money and a lot of energy on me. Based on that I feel like to have a baby is such a huge responsibility that is so overwhelming to me.
“Having a kid is painful and a huge responsibility and the more you grow up the more you realise this world is not as good as what you imagined when you were a kid.”
Zixun and her husband have decided to put their energy into caring for their pet cat instead.
“My husband and I, we have our fur baby and she will be a single child as well. I want her to have all the privilege I had as a single child.”
And for more stories head to , hosted by Kumi Taguchi. From sex and relationships to health, wealth, and grief Insightful offers deeper dives into the lives and first-person stories of former guests from the acclaimed TV show, Insight.
Follow Insightful on the , , , or wherever you get your podcasts.
